Five Sentence Fiction: Composure

15 Jul

There was no way of knowing whether her comments had the desired affect upon him; his cool gaze lingered just above her right shoulder; a trait he developed as an awkward teen that seemed to carry forth into adulthood. James Dean.

Her eyes, on the other hand, centered themselves on his pale yet so perfect lips, hoping for the barest of twitch to signal that he was listening, absorbing her rather sudden admission of undying love.

It was rather foolish of her to spew a confession so unrehearsed and the silence left her feeling naked and dirty in a way that confused yet excited her.

The words hung like a comical speech balloon in the space above her head and faded in and out like a firefly trapped in a mason jar; put on display for the neighborhood children to tap their sticky fingers against the glass.

Inside she was screaming for him to acknowledge her; she wondered what his insides sounded like.

Check out Lillie McFerrin’s Blog for more Five Sentence Fiction entries.

26 Responses to “Five Sentence Fiction: Composure”

  1. Mary July 15, 2012 at 5:51 pm #

    I really liked this. It’s intriguing and full of tension. Makes the reader want more – who is she?, who is he?, what’s the setting?, etc. Well done.

  2. Jo-Anne Teal July 15, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

    You haven’t been writing yet you can still sit down and pen this brilliant piece? Wow! I love this Angie. I love that it is completely from her perspective – what do his insides sound like, indeed! You’ve structured it perfectly with a killer last line; though my favourite line is: “…and the silence left her feeling naked and dirty in a way that confused yet excited her.” Yowser!

    • ajjrichmond July 15, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

      Thanks darling! So glad you liked it. It feels good to be back writing again :)

  3. injaynesworld July 15, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

    I just ache for her! I, too, have been there and wondered what “he” was thinking, but would never have phrased it quite so lovely as: “Inside she was screaming for him to acknowledge her; she wondered what his insides sounded like.” Outstanding!

  4. Angela Goff (@Angela_Goff) July 15, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

    Wow, this is INTENSE. Very well crafted! One question, though….did you mean “omission of undying love” or “ADmission of undying love?”

    I knew what you meant, either way — and I’m screaming with her! Making yourself vulnerable is so hard….Well done!!

    • ajjrichmond July 16, 2012 at 6:19 am #

      Ugh, totally supposed to be admission. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how many times I read the darn thing, mistakes seem to hide on me :-/

      Thanks for the comment, darling! :)

      • Angela Goff (@Angela_Goff) July 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm #

        Daniel and I have a working theory that certain typos are rendered invisible until you hit “publish.”

        I always make more corrections to my blog posts AFTER I publish them, than before. Or it seems like I do.

        Love the scene, though. I do, I do, I do. Need to see more of your writing! Don’t you have a manuscript lying around somewhere? ;)

      • ajjrichmond July 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

        That sounds like a spot on theory!

        Yes I’m working on editing a novel that you saw some lines to before. Perhaps I’ll have to send it to you to read some time :)

  5. Eva Rieder July 15, 2012 at 11:24 pm #

    Angie, this is gorgeous! I particularly love the third line, but this whole piece captures that vulnerable feeling in such beautifully written way. Wow! Nice!

  6. Kern Windwraith July 15, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    Oh, ouch. What a terrific rendition of a moment of pure awkwardness and tension. I love the image of her words trapped in that mason jar and all the sticky fingers tapping against the glass–wonderful!

  7. lisashambrook July 16, 2012 at 6:10 am #

    Loved that last sentence so much! Beautiful.

  8. Charron's Chatter July 16, 2012 at 11:34 am #

    Brilliant is right. What you conveyed in this tiny amount of text–and the fluidity with which you did so–is astounding. I say: write the whole book! Especially loved the mason jars allusion and sticky fingers–also: what his insides were “saying”. Super stuff!

    • ajjrichmond July 16, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

      Wow, thanks so much! It so nice to hear such wonderful comments.

  9. Laura Zera July 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

    I am really starting to love this five-sentence medium because of people like you! Great piece.

  10. Write4Ten - Donna B. McNicol July 16, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

    Oh my….been there, done that….not fun. You captured all the feelings and wrapped them up with a bow. Loved it!

  11. Lillie McFerrin July 16, 2012 at 9:15 pm #

    Oh, so absolutely perfect. That fourth sentence really resonated with me. And, the last sentence. Just excellent!!!!

    • ajjrichmond July 17, 2012 at 7:37 am #

      Thanks Lillie! It felt so wonderful to participate in FSF again :)

  12. Sandra July 17, 2012 at 3:42 am #

    I drew a perfect picture of them both from this piece – really good.

  13. jtsuruoka July 18, 2012 at 11:34 pm #

    Unrequited love is a powerful driver for a story and you capture all of the uncertainty it entails as well as that feeling of jumping off of a cliff when one finally makes their feelings known. Very good.

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